I've been trying to post on my cellphone for days but just hasn't been working for me, it is now so that's all good.

lately, I've been spending a lot of time with my friends, and im inlove with it, but being out all the time, and having people be over at the buttcrack of day, testing my bounderies at my already rocky relationship with my parents, it feels good, but at the same time I feel guilty. I know what's wrong and I know what's comming. I know im going to get a talk eventually. And I did, yesterday it was unpresent yeah,I felt like shit after but I know what I've been doing is wrong and I don't have a legit reason behind it. Except that I feel less alone when I surround myself with people.

Today I also got a talk from my mom, the I don't want you to leave speech basically, she wants me to go to community collge here instead of in sf, I want to go to san fransisco more than anything im looking forward to it, but yeah im scared to death about the idea and I need moral support from my parents which im not getting obviously because she wants me to stay here.

Today I watched the lovely bones with mia and billy, and to be honest, I didn't like it. It made me feel uncomforible. I liked the graphics but the way the put everything together just seemed wrong. I haven't read the book but from what I was told the movie didn't go along with the book so well, I suppose that's why I didn't read it first but I should read it, it will be hard for me, it just makes me uncomfortible. That subject makes me uneasy.

Rob is cute.













I want someone who can handel me at my worst, easy on the eyes, and a sweethear who deserves me at my best.

 

Im not feeling any better, things are getting harder and im not over him. I still miss him he still hurts me. And im still broken. Some days are harder than others but things just seem to be the same. The time passes by and the feelings arnt fading. I don't want to miss you, you were a jerk you don't deserve it. You don't deserve my time. But I cry over you anyways. Im pathetic.

Im in a battle with myself. And I don't know who or what I am. I don't know where I stand and I don't know were I belong. I don't feel good enough I don't feel pretty enough. I don't feel nice enough or strong enough. Change me please.

I love my best friend. Im trying hard your my number one.

Im secretly jealous of how beautiful you are. But its no secret.
Have you ever been best friends with someone that was prettier than you and had a more positive personality then you? I wish I didn't feel that way. Were equal, im just self cautious.

Achne won't go away...=/

Congratulations, Adam. I can add you to the list off assholes. You said you didnt want to be? you should have thought about that when you did it. You can added to the list of people who've cheated, used, played, and dumped me for someone else. you thought you wernt as bad as johnny? well your even wrose, jonny may have taken my virginity and left me for another girl. But you strung me along making me think i was good enough and that we were something, and we were going to be together, and that you were going to fall in love with me, so you lied, you used me, and you left me for another girl. at least me and johnny had something. when you say things changed, it just means that you were replacing me with someone else.

You told me nothing was going on with you and her, you told me you weren't replacing me with her and you lied, that's exactly what you did. You are replacing me with a 15 year old freshman girl? and im too much drama, good luck with that. your dating a 15 year old girl.

I dont feel good enough, ive never felt good enough, I see now that to be good enough is to be a 15 year old girl.

How can i give and give soo much to a person, and get this in return? I always saw good in you, and you cant even grow the balls to tell me that, yeah im replacing you with her.

and the funny part is, i know you still care about me, and i know you still like me, but your giving your ex a chance, and your giving your new girl a chance, but not me? whats that about..


i just wanted to you remeber me, now i feel like i didnt make a difference in the world, im just another girl you fucked.
cool

i feel like im losing everyone around me.
i dont want you to be mad at me.
im sorry that my choices, make me seem like i dont care about your opinion.
i do care.




but i just dont want this, i didnt want this. im in a bigger mess than i was before and i honestly was okay with it, it wasnt what i wanted but it was enough to make me happier than i am now. i will never be fully happy, and i think i let myself make that decision to make the sacrifice to not ever be fully happy.

i dont want you to think you hit a brick wall with me. because i know how it feels to give advice and feel like it isnt enough. i know how it feels to not give you the right advice, i dont want you to feel that way, i dont do what you say, simply because im stubborn. i do what i do because i dont know anything else. i dont know any other way to do things, and even though im hurt in the end, i like being happy for just that moment. because its enough, its not perfect, but its enough. everything has always been good enough. My parents were good enough, they werent everything i wanted but they were enough to make me happy. for example. and maybe someone i dated was an asshole now that i look back on it. But its okay now. And it was okay back then to. I do do this to myself but i dont know anything better for myself.



i cant find a way to funnel my depresson. i cant find an art, i cant find music. i feel like i have nothing. Why is it that i have everything, but it still doesnt feel like enough.

i dont have a will to live to me honest. all i want to do is lay in bed and im okay with that, i dont want anything more, because yeah it may just get rid of the pain till i wake up, but at least it gets rid of the pain, at least i dont feel anything but secure.

 

  Well xanga. Im back to were I started, as heartbroken as the last. And the one before it.

A big part of me wishes that I would have just gone with it, that I didn't say anything. To let it keep going the way it was because it was what it was, and something could have happen. He doesn't make me feel this, I make me feel this.

For months I've liked adam ward, and for months I've played his game, I've played hard to get I've played the hot and cold game, and in the end he knew what he wanted and it was karrah. Not me. I left, I went to china and I thought I finally had a peace of mind back. That I was okay and that I don't need jonny or daniel. That this was enough, but I was wrong because on the inside I knew adam was there I guess. When I came back we hung out we were friends. As hard as it was to see him with his girl, I had no choice. I tried to be there for him, I thought about him and how he was happy with her I guess. But it ended.


Ask me why I keep on loving you when it's clear that you don't feel the same way for me... the problem is that as much as I can't force you to love me, I can't force myself to stop loving you.  ~Author Unknown

We started hanging out more and talking more. I thought we would have something. We did the deed and we wanted each other. I would pretend like I never wanted him to say "were probably going to be together." Or "I might fall in love, I don't know" secretly I wanted these things. But I felt like accepting it wasn't enough I wanted it to actually happen.

I was happy with him, we had lunch and drank coffee and went to shows and everything. He made me feel confident and strong, he made me feel beautiful. He was the only one that could do that, and when he wasn't around I felt like shit. But that's all he saw in me, that i always feel like shit, that I don't have a single living happy cell in me. That's not true.

 
by ☮freedom☮

To do all those things, and predent like we were dating for so long. Was cool I guess, but it was never enough, I wanted more to be just friend or friends with benifits. I wanted to be more then just the girl that he wanted to be with, I wanted to be the girl that he was with, his girl. I thought that if I told himhow he felt, he would understand and change his mind. Instead I blew up weeks of repressed feelings about him to his face. And with the help of some people, I was a bitch, I said things I didn't really mean and I fucked things up. And now I don't have him. Not as a "friend", not as a boy friend, not friends with benefits, and not as a casual friend.

It upsets me that more than anything I wanted us to be good, threw prom, threw graduation, and threw when he left for Sweden. I wanted more than anything to be a good friend, and to know that I was in his life. I really just wanted him to remember me. I wanted him to remember meas a good person and all the time that we had together. But now he doesn't want to probably. I probably imprinted on his life as the bitch that he fucked for a while. I don't know what my problem is, I keep caving in and talking to him but the more I do it the more pissed off and frustrated at me he is the more he dislikes me probably talking shit about me.

I feel like I fish for love the way I do because of my parents, I don't blame them. But I wish it didn't hurt so much. I feel like when I was alittle girl I was always alone. I feel like people watched me and I was babysat by people. And they probably cared and loved me. But it wasn't love from my parents it wasn't the care from my parents. They work so hard to get by. They had nothing when they came to America. They worked hard to make baby me happy. But it wasn't enough to make me happy in the long run. Because I feel jipped of that love. There expression of love, is buying me stuff and doing stuff. But its not enough sometimes. I want a hug I want a kiss, I want to hear I love you. I would trade my 30k car for it. I would trade all the money to have them show me affection. I've given up looking for it in my parents, I look for it in a boy.

Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak; sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go.  ~Author Unknown

Our outlook in love, and the only love we know, is the love we see from our parents. We want someone like our parents. My parents don't show effection. That's what I want, because its what I lacked as a child. I want care and love because I didn't get it as a kid.

I wasn't someone who wants what I want, because its how my dad is. Both my parents don't know how to express there love to me. So is that why I choose people that don't know there feelings towards me? Is that why im attraced to assholes, because sometimes my moms a bitch? I don't know too much about that. But I do know I've gone through it so many times that im tired of it. And I need a change. I need to grow up, I need to stop holding on to things that don't exist. And being with people that don't deseve it, but sometimes I don't feel like I deserve that. Because im so hard on myself. I need to make myself happy, I need to care about myself. I need to stop holding back and let change happen. Stop being afraid and do things with my life. I want to grow up to be that girl that is independent and can live on her own. But im afraid to. I feel like im not strong enough to do this.



I need a lot of help.
And I do appreciate your help. I appreciate all your help. I love you, even though im stubon and wnt listen, even thoug im just running away from my problems, and making the same mistake over and over and over again.

I want to be happy.
That's always been my wish, my birthday candle wish, my 11:11 wish, my tunnle wish. Its not selfish. its what im longing for. Happiness, and love.

=[

Im sick again.
Emotionally a wreak again.
It seems like bad luck is just rolling and rolling in. Tickets, truency letter, grades dropping, sick, self esteem issues, arguments with my parents, camera problems, losing insperation, pimples, ect. Im just trying to find a day were things just seems better. I really was scared that things were doing way to well and things were bound to go bad I guess.

I've been a bitch lately, to my little sister, my mom, dad, mia, and will and brophty. I feel bad. I really don't want to be a bitch to these people. More than anything I should be nice to them out of anyone out there that deserve it, they mean everything to me. And they don't need me bitching at them. Im sorry=[
Im trying to get through whatever plroblems im going threw to fix things with you and make things better, not be a bitch anymore.

I've been working a lot, im expecting a fat paycheck.

Me and adam are still not really anything, not really boy friend and girlfriend, kind of dating, maybe its just were dating, but we arnt offical? I don't know everyime we kind of get into it, and he says stuff like "I might want to be with you." I just say okay whatever, I don't care, that's okay, you don't have to, were fine the way we are, don't say that. Is that a way for me to push him away? I don't want to push him away I just don't want to be dissapointed?

Call of duty is fun.
My tummy is growling,
Coffee is keeping me up
I have a lot of homework this week.
Break next week.